Day Twenty-Four: Why We Fail

Today's workout is going to be difficult. I have a long history of false starts and failures with exercise plans. It usually traces back to overzealousness followed by fatigue or injury followed by long periods of inactivity on the couch punctuated by muttering "I hate the gym" and "why don't my clothes fit?" Repeat as necessary.

The reasons for these patterns are complex. I can't chalk it up to pure laziness -- my workouts can be pretty intense when I am at my peak. I reflected for a bit when I was in the doctor's office and this is what I came up with --

Fatigue. Everyone gets tired eventually. However, I feel like there is a barely perceptible line between pushing myself to my limit and overdoing it. Sometimes I push myself to my limits and pay the price.

Fear. I wonder if other people with chronic illness experience the type of fear that I reference here? I find that there are few things worse than the knowledge that a flare could be the result of my own behavior, specifically a lack of discipline. Engaging in bad behavior (e.g., overeating, too much drinking, not enough exercise) seems much worse when the consequences are chronic pain or hospitalizations. The stakes for everyday decisions about snacks and going to the gym seem to take on much greater weight. The cop-out here is goal depression. That is, avoidance of lofty aspirations in an effort to prevent or lessen the impact of failure.

Pain. I don't like it. That "darn that was a good workout ache" is fine, but acute or episodic pain that seems to stem from the body attacking itself during normal functions like digestion...not cool. Pain is probably the most abstract and most concrete barrier to pushing myself to set and reach certain goals. I have a high tolerance for pain, but I don't like it. So, I am probably more stressed out trying top identify and avoid pain triggers than I am actually dealing with it when it occurs. Who wants to push themselves to the limits only to experience injury that leads to fatigue (number one cause of overeating) and injury (number one cause of couch potatoism), which always exacerbate my IBD symptoms.

So, how does one deal? If I really knew, I wouldn't be blogging.

Okay, seriously -- I am writing because I am committing to making a change. If I thought that avoiding my limits and playing it safe would get me where I wanted to go, then I wouldn't bother pondering (and actually taking) risks.

It's hard. It sucks. Sometimes....ok maybe lots of times I fail. But, I do it because I'd rather be a risk-taker who failed than someone who stayed home and totally missed the party!